I’ll take door number two, please.

Something that I have been considering lately, is the cyclic nature of the Universe.  Often times, we find ourselves going through periods of our lives, and revisiting old hurts, old emotions, old habits; however, what baffles me is this- why do we go in circles?  Something to consider as we move forward, is to find new strength from our Journey.  When I was younger I was a torrential terror.  Not only was I lost, but I was alone, and didn’t have the groups or communication available to me today, and it created a sense of isolation from the people around me.  It was a challenging time for me, but it allowed me to learn so much more about myself than I otherwise would have been capable.

During my awakening, there was a feeling of “Aha!” that came with the epiphanies of what I am, but there were no clear guidelines of how to live with that information, or what it would cost me to know myself.  It was a very difficult time in my life, and with the added lack of community, I felt as if I were going crazy.  I had a feeling if isolation, and resulting behavioral issues caused significant trouble for my family, and the people around me.  I was never much of a socialite growing up, and when people did try to get close to me I became hostile.  I was always worried about hurting them in some way, that what I identified myself as, was a danger to the people around me.

I will spare you all details, but I was a troubled youth.  Who isn’t, though?  I had issues, and I thought I had grown out of them, but I till find myself drawn to those modes of thought every now and then, as my own path of self healing takes me around to old scars that I haven’t actually dealt with.  My concepts of self-control, composure, and the Shadow had come from these experiences.  I had worked off of the idea that I could manifest myself the way I choose to be, instead of running off of that predatory instinct running rampant with my life.

In a way, I was correct- even as I grew and mellowed out, learning to incorporate a lot of the spiritual identity and control my energies, I still effected my surroundings in significant ways.  People would begin new phases in their lives once I came to know them.  Sometimes, even just hours after meeting them.  I had observed this phenomena for years, taking log of the different people I knew that had their lives and structure deconstructed- there was really only one common denominator, and that was me being around.  I toyed with the idea for a while that I was simply being drawn to people who were about to experience such radical shifts in their lives so that I could hone my skills of guiding people through such hard times, and I feel that is true to an extent.

I knew very early into my awakening that I was a demon- and one aspect of being such is having a significant “adversarial” affect on others.  This, I believe, is where the idea of demons being “evil,” came from.  People in lore and stories avoided demons because they would act as a catalyst for significant change to how they perceive or interact with their own worldview.  We open peoples minds, if they are ready for it or not, because of how our energy unlocks things within them.  Whether this happens because I am a demon, or if my path is lining itself up to intersect with people at this particular phase in their own lives, to me is irrelevant.  It happens, all the same.

Lately, I have been seeing myself working more off of that old instinct- something about working toward the Embodied nature demands that I integrate all of these aspects of self, as opposed to trying to suppress them.   I’m sure a few in the audience are cocking an eyebrow and saying, “well, duh,” and they would be right.  My own ego got in the way, and thought for some forsaken reason, that I was better than that.  Trust me, I’m not.  Neither are you, sadly.  We can all think about how far we have come, and what we have been able to accomplish, but it doesn’t mean a damn thing unless you take the time to apply the lessons you learn.  This is something that I have seen people do for years.  They try to avoid learning the lesson, and are doomed to repeat it.  Often times, with even more disastrous results as the universe get’s bored with talking to a brick wall, and decides to just beat you over the head with a “clueX4,” to borrow a phrase from a friend.

Recently, I have seen my own “clueX4” coming at my head.  I started to manifest a few of the behavioral issues from my childhood because I had never really understood why those destructive forces were so pronounced, and was trying to hard to just ignore them and hope they would go away.  These tenancies were showing themselves more frequently, an quite noticeably, to the people close to me.  This was unacceptable.  I find that this root cause of these issues was an old familiar foe- Fear, and his sidekick, Insecure Child.  It really all comes down to those two things for me (right now).  Yes, I can try that whole “trust” business, but in the past such trust was abused by the people I chose to give it to, and created an even greater insecurity and fear of the repercussions of trust.  Yes, I have people that I know I can trust, but that doubt in the back of my mind makes it very hard for me to open up to them.  Is it a valid insecurity?  Sure.  Is it rational? Maybe.  Is it something that I need to change in order to better live my life? Oh, most definitely!

I know of many ways to create such changes in one’s own psyche- advanced Journey work, Shadow Path-working, Seidh work, Meditation, and those are just the ones that I know of, I’m sure there are more.  Something that i have come to terms with recently is the concept of a Wounded Healer.  Kristin Madden makes some exceptional points in ‘The Book of Shamanic Healing,” in which she explains her own healing process, and the resulting ability to help others through her own healing.  Sure, I’m scared to see what those monsters inside have turned into, since I have neglected  dealing with them for so long.  I have my work cut out for me this month, that’s for sure!

This is a trend that I am seeing in the community, where people are just not wanting to deal with their own short comings, and learn.  That’s also why I started using my skills as a Tarot reader, Healer, and Priest, so that  I could reach out and help them change their lives for the better.  Sure, business is slow, because even with guidance these are not easy things for anybody to come to terms with- much less even admit that they are having an issue in the first place.  Problem is, the Universe will always give you two options.  Easy road, or hard road.  We all choose the easy road, at first, until we realize that the easy road only looks easy.  In fact, door number one, with it’s “easy road” label, doesn’t actually go anywhere but circles and dead ends.  Door number two, while it is the harder path, is also the more fulfilling one.  The challenges and obstacles that we face while journeying into the unknown will only further our Awakening, and lead you closer to the Embodied awareness.

This is an issue to the Embodied, not just because we are not moving on to new lessons (because we want the easy road), but it can also have a negative impact on our life path (because there is no new growth, only stagnation).  If we are stuck learning at a 1st grade level, we won’t ever graduate to new understandings- it’ll just be a less literal version of the movie Groundhog Day.  Not exactly a safer, more fuel efficient option.  I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world, because they have taught me so much, but I also make it a goal to not need a refresher course.  I will approach every moment with the wisdom I have earned, and move forward.  Will you?

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